5.
“I don’t need money, I need love. But when you make it in the right way God will add money also. He knows I like money”, says Doris explaining how long it had been since she’s had intimate relations with a man. In this small group of middle aged African ladies who come together once a week to cook and have a meal together, Doris was sharing her thoughts on the health and spiritual benefits of sex, encouraging other ladies to make the best of the time they had left before menopause hits. “It’s a gift from God”, she says trying to convince Florence who believes in staying faithful to her husband even though they have been apart for 15 years. She has no idea when or if she’d be able to go back to Cameroon to be with her family. Doris being the realist that she is asks Florence to accept the reality of her situation and embrace the gift before it’s too late. “Sex is a part of woman’s life, you cant take it out and live like that. It’s not good.”
Mama chimed in vehemently agreeing with Doris. She told us how she was being treated for an illness the doctor suspected but then it came up during a treatment that she hadn’t been sexually active. Together they decided to stop all treatments until she was active again and after that “all the pain and diseases left my body”.
[…]the erotic offers a well of replenishing and provocative force to the woman who does not fear its revelation, nor succumb to the belief that sensation is enough. […]The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honour and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves.
USE OF THE EROTIC – AUDRE LORDE
Karibou bibi is a support group of sorts for women from African countries. Some of these women are victims of trafficking and others were fleeing violence in their countries. Some were able to find partners, got legalised and built decent lives here but still feel like outsiders in Dutch culture. At Karibou bibi they can be themselves and share their African heritage. Linda, the organiser of the group is a Cameroonian woman who they trust and adore.
The group started off as a small cooking class to show women how to use Dutch ingredients they received in the food packages they receive from the Church. There is such a huge difference between African and European cuisine. “The organisation pours so many resources into helping them without really helping them”, Linda expresses her frustration. These food packages were almost useless for them as they are not used to eating or cooking this type of food in Africa. Aside from fresh fruits and veggies, these packages mostly contain nut butters, crackers, some random Dutch snacks but almost no spice or seasonings so essential to African cuisine.
resist the urge to ask them why they came all that way for cloves and cardamom
if they were only going to put them into cheap wine at christmas
A PEACEKEEPER’S GUIDE TO COLONIALISM – JACKIE ASHKIN
The meal is enjoyed with a good amount of banter about whiteness, Florence’s clairvoyance, and another sermon by Doris who is enthusiastic about sharing her life lessons on living alone in the Netherlands and educating ladies about menopause. It was interspersed with some dancing and adoration of the curvy African body type.
At this point I had spent a few months working as a volunteer at an organization supporting illegalized migrants – those have been for one reason or another not granted a residence permit by the Dutch authorities. I had met and gotten to know many people here but kept feeling that I can hardly pierce the power dynamic that comes from being in a position that gives help. The fact that I live here with a residence permit with access to insurance and government support is enough to put us worlds apart. Whether I look like them or not, speak their language or not, I represent the giver so they’ll always show the side of them that is in need not the one that is in charge. At Kariboe Bibi I meet them on their turf, on their terms. An intimate invite only setting. As a guest counting on their hospitality. Every now and then a Dutch staff member of the Church passes through the room and I can see the ladies putting on a different face – reserved and inscrutable. I realised then what a privilege it was to be in the company of these women and experience the pride with which they owned their femininity and their Africanness.